Running thoughts...

I really enjoy running. It's one thing that I can do by myself, I can think, pray, and enjoy nature around me. (A practically impossible task if you have four little's around you all day long.)

I don't run everyday, and I don't obsess over it. When I get the chance, I run. I've had many thoughts lately while running. Sometimes just pouring out to God my heart ache. I think about how I can share that with others. There is such a fine line between sharing openly and honestly about what God is doing in your life, and not distracting from just that. 

 A dear friend shared with me how she would like to be honest about her past experiences on her blog, and I could so relate. It's hard to share honestly, and openly. Without upsetting those close to you, because, lets face it. Not all things "Honest" are pretty. But, God can and does make them beautiful in time. And it's when you have that perspective that you really want to share it with others, to give them hope. I have seen God take ugly situations, down right evil things, and use them for His Glory. I believe that is what can give others hope. It gives me hope! 

The past few years have been So.Hard. Just the other day, I broke down. Again. Tears would not stop.

I literally walked outside to take the trash out,turned around and ran. I ran hard, and long.(Don't worry, Daddy was home with the children)

I had thoughts running through my mind. And the one lie that Satan often likes to feed me is:

"Why does EVERYTHING have to be SO HARD!". 

It's easy to compare your life to others, and think about how it seems like other people just have life so easy. Or so it appears. But, the more I ran through that thought (no pun intended), I realized what a huge lie from Satan that really is.

Why should it not be hard? I mean, the good things in life, are worth fighting for. And these trials, just give me a small glimpse of the suffering Christ went through on the cross, for me. It also makes me more aware of other people's suffering. Makes me love others, and have more compassion.

I won't lie and say that everything after that run was rainbows and unicorns, or I'd found the pot'o'gold and life was magical. 

It's still hard.

It's daily, hourly, minute by minute renewing my mind. Putting off the bad thoughts, and renewing my thoughts.

With these Truth's:

⁵ I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 

⁹ As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 

Abide: To wait for

To endure without yielding
To bear patiently
To accept without objection
To remain stable or fixed in a state
To continue in a place
Synonyms: Stay, continue, bear

Why should we abide? What is God's promise?

¹¹ These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

He will bring joy. Out of our suffering. Joy will come. And not just a little, but FULL! 

Later in the verse he talks about loving others. Interesting that producing fruit, bearing and abiding, goes hand in hand with loving others. It's when we focus on others, that our needs and problems don't seem so big. 

While in the PICU with our son I was made very aware of how our community is suffering. No one wants their child to be in the PICU. No one is prepared for their child to be there. I saw pain and suffering, in third world countries, and had no idea that it could exist in the same way in my own local Children's Hospital PICU. My heart aches, and broke for so many other Mamma's who are waiting by their babies bed sides. Wearing the same clothes for days,one mother had her child's vomit all over her shirt, for three days I saw this woman. No clothes to change into, no family close by, no car as they had traveled hours via ambulance. No phone charger, and no way to make a long distance call. No money for food,who thinks to grab your wallet in an emergency? As I talked to nurses, this is not an uncommon occurrence. Actually, it happens every day. I am working now to make changes. I'd appreciate your prayers as I work to raise awareness, and rally the community to make a difference for others, in their time of need. I would so appreciate your prayers as I take on this project.

And there is a few of my Running Thoughts lately.

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." 

John 15:12

Vacay?!?

Note: I wrote this before Riley's accident. I had planned to publish it Friday night. So here, finally, is a post about our memorable vacation. ;)

So. We have recovered from our "Vacation".

 I've debated, "Do I share the nitty gritty details of our trip?"
(no pun intended, but holy batman, we had sand in our teeth on the drive home...very nitty gritty.)

Or "Should I leave out the bad parts?"(Ever seen a four year old have a panic attack? NOT pretty!)

Or "should I just pretend like everything was rainbows and unicorns and post a slideshow of pictures?"

Hmm.

I suppose in life we could focus on the crappy stuff. But everyone has to deal with that. I've learned through these struggles we've been through, that everyone is dealing with something.

 I can focus on the hard stuff.

Or I can say, forget it. And treasure the good moments.

We did have good moments of our vacation.

We might of fled to the pristine beaches with full abandon.

 Because the campsite only made it seem like a hellish experience.

And like only those beautiful beaches can do, they washed away all the ugly.

The waves brought peace. And in those moments life was magical.

At one point I said. "Who needs a campsite, lets just sleep out here!?". I realize I was only saying that because I knew as soon as we returned to the campsite, mosquitoes, tears, arguing, dogs barking, and raccoon's (oh,the raccoon's!)  would reign down their terror and I'd be begging to hang a white flag and say
 "We give up!", pack our van and get the heck out of dodge.

But, we stuck it out. Sand storm, raccoon's, billions of mosquitoes, sunburns and swollen eyes, panic attacks and all.

 And the only way we were able to is because of this:

Yes. It was this glorious. It looked as though the ocean was fed right from the heavens. 

A few of my favorite memories of our trip were watching our children play sweetly together. Riley always wanting to hold my hand as we walked out onto the beach. Hearing their delight as yet another big wave came that they could ride to the shore. Elliott seeing his name written in the sand (by Clara) He looked at me and said: "Who wrote this?"...I said very seriously: "Oh, I don't know, it was here when we got here, I think someone is in love with you Elliott". He looked at me in shock, completely believed me, and ran to everyone to tell them "GUYS! You won't believe it! Someone is in LOVE with ME!". We laughed so hard. Watching Jackson body surf for the first time, and catching on like a pro. Me almost stepping on a pretty good size sand crab. Reading bible stories by flashlight. Hearing the waves hit the shore, and my four little's snoring, was music to my ears. A branch fell out of a tree (like 60 feet up) and landed RIGHT on Brandon's foot. Elliott was inches away. If it had hit him in the head, surely we would have ended up in the ER. We were SO thankful...and had a good laugh after the fact. Only on our camping trip.I told you the campsite was evil. Thankfully his foot was fine. And we fled to the beach asap before another branch fell and impaled someone.

So here you go, a slideshow of pictures! Yes, I am choosing to forget the not so lovely parts of our vacation and highlight the beautifully magical times. 

Thank you for your prayers for our Riley. He is still on pain medication, and has labs tomorrow 

(Tuesday at 10am to be exact). Keep praying his hemoglobin numbers are up! Baby boy lost quite a bit of his own blood, and it's taking longer than expected for his numbers to come up. 

Accident

We are home now from the hospital. Thank you for the prayers!

I've had people ask what happened so I thought I would post the entire story here.

On Friday night, I put the boys to bed, and headed to bed myself. At 10:15 pm, I heard a "thud" followed by a scream. I met Riley in the hallway, he had fallen from the top bunk. (no, he is not supposed to be up there, but he crawled up to sleep with Jackson.) He was screaming, and holding is stomach. I picked him up, and headed to our bedroom, laid him on our bed, and got his inhaler (he was wheezing from crying/screaming) and the motrin. Gave him both, and looked over him well. He had no bruising, but we could not get him to settle down. He kept saying his tummy hurt. I called the pediatrician, they told me a list of symptoms to look for, and he had none of them. They suggested to just bring him into the office in the morning (they are open on Saturday mornings). But, if I felt like he needed to be seen asap, to take him to the ER. I hung up the phone, he had drifted off to sleep, but was whimpering in his sleep. His color was strange, a white/grey/green. I decided to take him to the ER. I just did not have a good feeling.

When we arrived at the ER, there were five police cars in the parking lot, and a man on the ground in handcuffs. It was about 10:45pm. I didn't want to get out of the van, for fear that a crazy person could be loose in the parking lot! There was a nurse outside on the sidewalk watching it all go down, and he came out to the van and helped us inside. I got to the front desk and told them "My son is having difficulty breathing,he has asthma, and fell out of his bed, he says his tummy hurts too." I know that was God that had me say it exactly like that. Because, if I had just said "He fell out of his bed, his tummy hurts". We would of been told to take a seat,would have waited hours to be seen, and the outcome could have been horrific.

The same nurse who walked us in, took his vitals.

His blood pressure was high, but everything else was fine. The nurse said it's not uncommon when you are in pain to have high blood pressure. Typically at this point they send you back to the waiting room to wait for a triage space to open. This nurse looked at me, looked him over and said "His color is off. I'm taking you right back."

We got back to a room, and Riley was dozing in and out of sleep, his vitals were okay, blood pressure was still high. He kept complaining he was hurting, then he started to cry again. I went and found his nurse (His name was Brandon, God knew I'd need to remember his name.) he came in, and literally ran for the doctor.

The doctor came right in, she looked him over, felt his tummy, and said he needed a lab draw. From that she said she would know if he would need a CT scan. I honestly thought the lab draw would come back fine. And we would head home with a "He fell, and has a bad bruised rib" diagnoses.

His labs came back, his liver enzymes were high. They quickly took him back for a CT scan. What I thought was strange was that Riley slept through it ALL. He was totally lifeless. And so pale. Hindsight, I should have asked them to take his blood pressure. They finished his CT scan, he stayed asleep through it, we went back to his room. The doctor came in not five minutes later and said "Mom, I need to talk to you in the hall." At the same time about eight nurses came into the room, carrying all kinds of things. They took his blood pressure, and I heard someone yell "Unstable!". I stood in the hall while the doctor told me he had a category 4 lacerated liver, he was bleeding internally, and would be transported via ambulance (lights and sirens) to the Children's Hospital in Macon (45 mins away). That he would likely need surgery upon arrival.

I walked back into his room, he was still so peacefull and sleeping. I called Brandon, in shock. Attempted to tell him what was going on. Unlike so many other times, I had not called/texted any family members. I mean, I really thought he would be just fine. And did not want to worry them if it was just a bump/bruise. Brandon contacted family, and I watched a crew of nurses/EMT's prepare to transfer my "Unstable" baby.

By that point his blood pressure and heart rate were all over the place. They decided that Brandon the nurse, would go with us in the ambulance. They had two IV's in him. Why? Because, Brandon actually worked at the children's hospital on the trauma team. He just "happened" to be in Warner Robins Friday night to pick up some extra hours. He knew they would need to put two iv's and pump him with fluids to keep him stable, and prepared for surgery.

Upon arriving at Children's we were met by a team of 9 surgeons. They were waiting for us. Riley was dozing in and out of sleep. The doctors were all on their computers/phones consulting with other doctors and looking at the CT scan over and over. Trying to decide what to do. He was stable after getting so many fluids. They told me the many risks of doing surgery, and the chance that he might stop bleeding and not require surgery at all. We decided it best to wait 24 hours. In the meantime, they put him in intensive care. Did labs every two hours, and checked his blood pressure regularly. He was on blood pressure medications, Morphine for pain, and vitamin K. Oh, and he could eat and drink nothing for at least 48 hours.

By the time we got to Intensive Care it was about 5am. We were both exhausted. He slept most of the day Saturday. Giving us more than a few scares with his blood pressure/heart rate. I could not sleep a wink. Every time the monitor went off, my heart sunk. By Sunday he seemed to be rounding a corner. Though labs were not better, they weren't worse. He was still very tired, and dozing in and out of sleep all day.On Sunday night we were moved to progressive ICU. They put us in the biggest room on the floor because the charge nurse really thought we'd only be there one night. Riley's labs showed his hemoglobin was still very low, and taking a while to come up. So they kept him till Tuesday afternoon.

We are SO thankful to be home. He is on strict activity for 8 weeks (Ie: can't do ANY physical activities) We go to the doctor tomorrow morning, for more labs to make sure he is getting better. And we follow up at Children's Hospital in two weeks for another CT scan to make sure it's healing properly. Pray he does not do anything to rupture it again.  Life is so fragile and a gift, and though I've always known that, this past weekend I learned it first hand.

When the doctors came to discharge us, the doctor looked at me and said "Mrs. Hartman, you are a very lucky Mom. Had you made the choice to just let him go back to sleep, you would of had a very different week."  I then listened as he and the students talked about the "What if's".

The doctor said lets play devils advocate for a moment: "What if she had just had a glass of wine, she had friends over, she heard her son goofing off and fell out of the bed, she called the pediatrician, he was ticked she woke him up at 11pm, he told her to bring him into the office in the morning. She put him back to bed, went on with her party of friends."

 A student piped up. "His blood pressure would of continued to drop."

 Another student "He would of kept bleeding internally,while his organs shut down"

Another "He would not have woken up, and been in septic shock."

Another "By the time the mother woke up, her son could of been gone for hours."

At that moment the pediatrician looked at me and said:

"Mrs. Hartman, we are glad you are taking your son home today. You were right, remember this :"The pediatrician did not give birth to your son, you did. Always follow your intuition.".He shook my hand, patted my shoulder, and left the room.

That my friends will make any mother weep. I had not let myself think of the "What if's".

I know that none of the "happened to be's" were accidents. God had his hand on our boy.
 And we are just so thankful he is home, on the road to being healthy again.

Edited to add:
If your a mom, reading this, please, always go with your gut (no pun intended.). Ask God for wisdom and discernment, and then do whatever you have to do. I had a doctor tell me, "If you take your child to the ER, and they dismiss you, go to another ER!". I honestly don't think I would have ever thought of that. But, now, I know. If you think the ER you are at does not know how to handle a pediatric emergency  request a transfer to a children's hospital. If you live close to a children's hospital, don't waste your time with a local ER, drive to the children's hospital and go through their ER! Riley let the doctors push all over his little tummy, and told them it didn't hurt. But I could see him holding back tears. He just didn't want them to poke him more, and was scared, and is SO SHY! As soon as they left the room, he burst into tears saying how bad they hurt him. That is when I walked out of his room and found his nurse, and told him how much pain Riley was in, and in a sudden moment everything changed.
You know your child, you know when they are hurting, don't let anyone that does not know your child tell you differently. You are their advocate and voice when they can't speak up for themselves.

picu

For those of you who follow this blog. Our youngest son had anaccident Friday night. Hefellout of thetop bunk bed.He lacerated his liver and has been in the hospital, initially in critical care. We have been moved to progressive care.He is on the mend but still has a few hurdles. Prayers are coveted. Thankyou!

Elliott

Yesterday we headed to Atlanta to Emory Children's Health Center. We encountered very little traffic,and found Emory fairly easily. That alone was a miracle.

Elliott's appointment went really well. The doctor we saw had already reviewed Elliott's file, and had consulted with other doctors. After meeting with us,and thoroughly evaluating Elliott, he believe's he knows what Elliott has.

Elliott has been unofficially diagnosed with Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis. There are different classifications, Elliott's would be the systemic arthritis. I say "unofficially" because we are giving him a trial medication for 2 weeks. If it helps, (will know not just by him feeling better but also by having labs to check his WBC and inflammation) then we will know that in fact is what he has. We are thankful for answers, and that the pediatrician, oncologist, neurologist, infectious disease doctor, gastroenterologist and rheumotologist agree that his symptoms match this diagnoses, and not a few other things that had been considered. We might have to add a cardiologist to that list in the near future to make sure he does not have any inflammation in his heart.

If the medications work, we won't have to go back to Emory until October. We are praying this is the answer for Elliott. He has been in so much pain and discomfort, we'd really like for him to have some relief.
Thank you for your prayers, love and encouragement. We are so blessed to have a community of family and friends who have done so much for our family.

For those of you who have just gotten to know Elliott, here are some of our favorite pictures of him. Please continue to pray that this is the answer we have been searching for, and that the anti-inflammatory medications will help him.

I'm off to pack! We ARE going on vacation to the beautiful South Carolina beaches of Hunting Island. We are so excited, and thankful to have some much needed time away as a family!
Be prepared to see a lot of this....on this blog next weekend!

Photo Credit

Hurry up and wait.

Nothing has really changed for Elliott. We head to Atlanta to Emory Children's Hospital on Friday. It can't come soon enough, as he has been pretty miserable. The Rash gets worse, then will get better,usually dictated by what his temperature is. He complains his bones hurt. Last night I heard him whimpering in his sleep. When you ask him what hurts he points to his joints, like knees, elbows,etc or says his head hurts (then I know it's a fever). Tylenol, Motrin and Benadryl at night keep him comfortable. I've let myself research, and study up on what we could be facing. I need time to process, I like to be educated before I'm asked to make decisions. We were told to write out all of our questions. I've been working on that.

Basically, it's the whole "Hurry up, and wait."

Like hurry and get all of his medical documents to Atlanta, yes. Every document ever, they needed it. That took a few days.

Then the "Call us right back" message....and when you do your put on hold for forever.

It's been rough. We are ready for answers. I've accepted the reality of our situation, and am ready to tackle it head on.

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In the meantime, we are staying busy with anything we can think of. The weather has been soooooo beautiful here. I'm loving that it's September and still 80+ degrees. This southern girl missed the warmth. We've been on walks or bike rides every day. Elliott usually opts to ride in the stroller or wagon. He gets tired easily. He tried to ride his bike yesterday, made it about a block, and couldn't do it. That was sad, he loves riding usually. Thankfully we had my sister in law with us, and she had the wagon.

We've made marshmallow people with toothpicks. They all loved that.
 (If  you want to see pictures, I have Instagram my name is bnyhle31...follow me there!)

Of course we've done school, and special projects with that.

Daddy brought home huge boxes from work last night, since our living room is empty, I decided to make the kids a huge box fort. He is bringing home more tonight. My sister in law and I have been planning up some sweet designs. It will be a magical box fort, with Christmas lights,and her amazing art work gracing the walls. Hey, when your stuck at home, you gotta do SOMETHING!

(What I'm thinking)

We are going to have the most rockin' box fort ever. It takes me back to my childhood. My dear friends Dad made them box forts in their basement. But, they were not your average box fort. Oh no! He designed amazing castles with drawbridge doors,and our own little rooms, with door knobs. Or a two story box maze. They were fabulous. We dressed up in petty coats and were princess' one minute, and the next we were secret spies. I want to create that for my children, and can't wait to get started on the design tonight!
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We visited a church down the road on Sunday. It was nice, the kids liked it. The pastor preached a great message. One of those where you sit there thinking "Am I the only one in here, cause I think your talking right to me". I thought for sure I'd start crying when I heard the intro to the last praise and worship song. But I didn't. I was surprised by that. I'd say my emotional state as of late has been "numb". Too raw to cry. I'm thankful I didn't loose it, as we had all the kids sitting with us in the pew. We slipped out the church, not too many people stopping to talk to us. That's a hard reality. We are the new people, and it makes you miss your  church family. People hugging and laughing together, it's not that they weren't friendly. They were, but they have their friends, and wanted to catch up with them. And it makes you miss your friends that were your "pew buddies".

 It will happen, I know that. But, it's exhausting to "put yourself out there". I mean, due to our current state, (you know the  rather unbelievable reality) you don't want to put yourself out there to meet new people, because small talk just seems so dumb.Kind of like this:

And you don't want to dive into the realities of your life and tell them everything, cause your pretty sure they'd think you've got the plague and run. I mean, I probably would.

Well, I would have before.

 I am not the same person I was before all of these trials. I hope no one would hesitate to tell me whats really going on in their life, and know that I would not find it unbelievable, or jump to judgment.

I hope I'd say a: "Oh girlfriend, can I pray with you?". Hug their neck and just be there.

 I hope one day I can be that for someone in similar circumstances. Because when your in the trenches, you don't need people saying "they've been there", or "you'll survive", or "well if you would have done this, that wouldn't be happening".

You need someone to come along side, say a "Oh girlfriend" give you a hug and say "Let's pray together". Because really, only God can help. Friends are just there to point you to Him when it's so hard to see His hand, and love you through it. I mean, aren't we supposed to do that for everyone...love them through life? So, if your reading this, and hurting, and life is hard, please know I want to say "Oh girl friend!". Throw my arms around your neck and ask if I can pray with you. And I want to LOVE you through it. Because we will get through it.

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And then, I'd crank this up, and we'd dance till our bodies ached. Because this is the good life, and if we really think about it, what do we have to complain about?!?!

Craigslist.

Daily I check craigslist.

I know, it's kind of like knowing the fridge is empty, but opening
 it over and over to see if any thing looks good.

I always check the free ad's first. It's ALWAYS beloved pets.

People giving away their dogs to "Loving homes" of course.

It's disturbing to me what people will give away (A loving animal)

And what people want money for. (Hideous couches)

(apologies if the person that posted this on craigslist ever reads this. If you want this beauty and it's matching chair it's listed today, for a steal of $95 dollars!)

I've learned key words like "Vintage" means "Butt Ugly"

And "Retro" means "should have been burned"

Oh, and lets not forget what the "Getting a divorce" really means:

"Call me, and I'll ask you out, sight unseen".

Yes. It did happen.

I nicely said "Oh, well, now I know why your wife left and your getting a divorce!".

Really it's been a comical relief for me. Some stuff is just down right hilarious.

Other times I think:

 "Man, I may not have furniture, but maybe that's a blessing in disguise, cause It'd be awful to be strapped with a "Vintage/Retro" couch because "I'm getting divorced"."

 Life could be worse. Much worse.