Saturday, November 16, 2013

He made me a Momma...

Born November 16th 2003

Psalm 116:5 
"The Lord is Gracious and Righteous. Our God is full of Compassion."

I really can't believe it has been ten years. If I could go back and tell myself anything, I would tell myself that this baby, would forever change me, and that it will be better than I could have ever imagined.  Out of heartache and a rushed wedding, a season of cold and hurt, Jackson was born, and with him came spring. New growth, change and most of all healing

My boy is ten years old today. This birthday is such a big deal. I remember being ten. It's quite surreal to have children turning ages, you remember being.

And while his birth was so difficult, and the process leading up to it. A weight was lifted when he arrived. Literally as he was 9lbs 11oz!!!! But figuratively too. I can clearly remember being so overwhelmed with a fierce love for him.  Yet, at the same time, a gripping fear.

"Will I be enough? Can we overcome this? Will the last year of pain and trials ever fade? Will I wear the scarlet letter forever? Will people really love him? The way he deserves to be loved? If anyone hurts him, ever, I will die, or kill them in the process. He is so perfect."

See, Jackson wasn't "planned" or "expected". It rocked our families. It left a lot of hurt and devastation. It wasn't the way it "should be". We didn't do things by the book. The earthquake of telling everyone we were pregnant left so much destruction, and the aftershock was felt for months, even years after his birth.

And yet, he was beautiful and perfect. And ours. God was Gracious to us, God showed us His favor through Jackson's life. And we believed God would heal in His time.

It's no coincidence his name means just that. Jackson Lee. God is Gracious, Shows Favor, Healer. It's also no coincidence he was born on 11/16 after 55 hours of labor. That verse up there? Psalm 116:5. Proof that God delights in every little detail. I discovered that verse before Jackson was born, because I loved the meaning of Jackson's name.

Through Jackson's life, over and over again. God has shown Himself Gracious. Jackson loves people, he is very sensitive. His friends, are his best friends. All of them. The best.

He is willing to help, and ask's me all the time "How can I help you today Mom?".

He love's to talk about Heaven, and God. Almost every night when praying together, he will say "Mom, just think, ___________ (got hurt, sinned, messed up,etc) wouldn't have happened today, in Heaven." "Life will be perfect there Mom." "Mom, I climbed the tree today, and I could see everywhere, is that like what God sees?" "Mom, we need to pray for ___________ they were sad and hurting today. They need to feel loved, let's pray they feel loved tonight." He has a very tender heart. His tender heart has opened my eyes and often leaves me so humbled.

When he was just shy of his fourth Birthday, he prayed with me before bed to accept Jesus as his savior. Might seem so young, be he knew. He still talks about it. A little boy we knew, passed away so unexpectedly. A little boy Jackson called friend, and played with.  It opened the door to talk to Jackson about Jesus and Eternity. I will never forget him saying "I want to be with Jesus and Keegan someday too Mommy.".

His memory is uncanny. He remembers everything. I am amazed by this. And it's humbling.

He is so forgiving, and quick to say "It's okay Mom, I forgive you."

Everything I cook for him is always "The best food I've ever eaten.". So much so, he couldn't tell me what to make for his birthday dinner, because "Everything is my favorite".

He is a watcher, he takes things in, and draws the most amazing pictures from what he has observed.

I am being completely honest, I can not even remember the last time I had to discipline Jackson. Seriously. I don't say this to brag, because it's soooo not because of me. It's his personality. He just seeks to please, always has. He convicts himself, and many times I can recall him coming to me saying things like "Mom, I did  ___________ and I feel horrible about it. Please forgive me."  (We have to talk a lot about how we aren't here to please people, and how much God loves us. Reminding him God is full of compassion!)

He is the ultimate big brother. He is always looking out for his siblings. He is so protective over all of them, especially Elliott. Jackson has always been aware that life is harder for Elliott. He will use his own money to buy a special present for Elliott while we are out. He is quick to prop Elliott up or help him cut his food. He hates to see his siblings in pain or hurting. He tells Clara all the time "Remember you are living with Mom and Dad forever. Right?" He says to Riley "Ry, you always love everything, and I love that."

Ten years later, I can say I have healed in ways I didn't know I needed healing. God has used Jackson's life to impact eternity and most of all me. I am blessed to be his Mom. I don't deserve to be his Mom. I hug him daily and tell him "I am SO happy to be your Mom." And it's the honest truth. He makes us laugh, a lot. He is completely uniquely gifted. I know God has plans for Jackson, and I am so blessed to be a piece of Jackson's tapestry of life. I love that as he gets older a friendship is blooming, that we can have conversations about God and the Bible and life and Jackson want's to talk about it with me. That he asks "Mom, when can just you and me go on a date?". Oh, that melts me. He wants my undivided attention. And I relish his. I pray it never changes.

If you are reading this and are living through a dark time, maybe life has thrown you some big unexpected curves. Maybe you brought it on yourself. Maybe it was brought onto you. Please be encouraged. Healing will come. Spring is Coming. I won't ever forget that season in my life, but the memory is seen in warm rose colored tones now, and not in dark cold lonely tones. It is not the end, it is the beginning of a beautiful season. Out of the pain, and bad choices, and hurt feelings, and disappointment, God will be Gracious. He will show you His Favor. Healing will come.

My husband made this video for our Ten year Anniversary back in July. I thought I would share it now...So many memories over these last ten years.

Happy Birthday to our Jackson Lee! We love you more than you could ever imagine! And yet, no where near as much as God Loves you! You will forever and always be my baby boy! I am SO proud of you! And honored to be your mom.
 Love you for always~ Momma

No comments: